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Dear Teenage Me,

That loser boyfriend hook-up you’ve been seeing? He’s not worth your time. Especially since he’s sharing his time with every other girl in high school. All the high schools. In fact, after a couple of years you’ll laugh about it. You’ll even laugh about it with all his other ‘girlfriends’. In fact, he ends up as a college dropout with no real job dating some girl who has a kid and you’ll all revel in it. Then you’ll feel embarrassed you knew him at all and pretend it never happened. Also, this trend will not stop as you get older, so good luck with that. Okay, you do a little better than that, sorry to scare you.

You think your mother is crazy, and she is. But she is also right. I know this is hard to believe right now, but it’s so very true (most of the time). Also, sneaking in at 4am and pretending you just woke up to get some water is the stupidest excuse ever and you’re not that clever. She knows. She knew all along, which just means that she’s actually a whole lot cooler than you think she is.

Also, ‘shorter and tighter’ should not be your mantra when you dress up to go out. Why are you even going out? Actually I’m glad you are because it stops you from acting like a total moron who has never had a sip of alcohol in her life — you’ll meet a lot of those people your freshman year in college. But keep in mind, all the older kids and adults hate all you little kids when you’re at the bar; you’re so annoying. You’ll realise this when you’re 24, at a nice bar trying to have a relaxing drink with a group of friends when a horde of obnoxious high schoolers comes in, crowd around at the table next to you (all 20 of them), talk about how ‘totally wasted’ they want to get and think the louder they are the cooler they are. I don’t care that 18 is legal drinking age; the point is, you’re 18.

That shitty haircut you got when you were 17? You get a worse one when you’re 23 and you cry for days. Don’t worry, it grows out and short hair isn’t a bad look on you. Yes, I didn’t think I’d ever have the guts to do it either. It’s actually kind of exhilarating. (Yeah, you are a little boring sometimes.)

Failing one single test is not a big deal. Stop stressing over it, especially since you already took it. A C-, even an F, is hardly a blip on your transcript in the scheme of things. College will not care about one bad grade on a calculus test. You should join more clubs, play more sports. I am pretty certain that I impressed in my college interview because I faked so much team spirit when he asked about high school sports. I know, I know, fitness is not your thing … it should be. It’s okay. You’ll become more active and ‘fit’ when you’re older, after you realise cellulite sucks. But you won’t get fat. In fact, you lose a little weight after high school — no freshman-15 for you!

You know that all-consuming pre-college fear you have of being roofied at a frat party? That doesn’t happen. It happens at a club in Miami where for some reason you think going to a yacht party at 5am with some guy and his entourage in the VIP section is a good idea. Sadly, you’ll realise that many girls in Miami do not need roofies to think this is a good idea. Good thing you have great friends. No, nothing happens. You’re fine. But you also graduate and leave Miami without ever having stepped foot on someone’s boat. It’s a little disappointing. Make friends with people with boats. Also, get your damn driver’s licence already.

Once everyone you know is no longer in high school, all high school cliques, rivalries and petty arguments cease to exist. That does not mean some people are any smarter than they were in high school, though.

Where you think you’ll be after college is a lot of pressure on your young-adult self. Stop that. It’s driving me nuts. No, you will not be living in New York City. No, you will not be dating a hunky Hugh Jackman look-alike (seriously?). No, you won’t have an apartment of your own and a dog. Your life is not a TV show. But it’s not all bad. You had have a gold fish.

Life is awesome, and sometimes not. But mostly awesome. All the things you’re worrying about now, you won’t even remember in a few years. Also, they’re not important so get over yourself. They never were. I’m pretty sure 35-year-old us will be saying that to me too.

Enjoy,

Future You